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[PARODY] [Fuuin] "Lilina swallowed by a snake."

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May. 21st, 2007 | 05:57 pm
tunes: Cobra Starship - Snakes on a Plane (Bring It)
posted by: sailorvfan10 in fe_parodyfic

Title: "Lilina swallowed by a snake."
Parody of: "Zelda swallowed by a snake." by TBoneTony
Author: Jayden und Verwelkt/me
Game: Fuuin no Tsurugi
Characters/Pairings: Lilina/Snake (implied), Roy/Lilina
Rating: R for retarded
Warnings: Snakes on a Plane jokes, retardedness, weirdness</span>
Author's Notes: Please don't kill meh. Cross-posted to theemblemoffire.
Disclaimer: I don't own Fire Emblem: Fuuin no Tsurugi, it belongs to Intelligent Systems/Nintendo. I also don't own "Zelda swallowed by a snake" and have no intention of ever doing so. TBoneTony is more than welcome to it. Also, I don't own Snakes on a Plane.

Hello! My name's Lilina and lemme tell you about a very frightening experience I had one summer night. I was almost eaten by a snake (oops, spoiled it)! It was The Hott, and I get all hot and bothered just thinking about it. So what if the snake almost suffocated me? It was sexy for two reasons: 1) tentacle rape is a guilty pleasure of mine, and 2) my uber-sexy boyfriend saved me. Here's how it happened.

It was a hot and humid and dark night in Ostia. For those of you who've never lived there, it gets quite hot and humid in the summer, and since the air conditioner wasn't invented until the '60s, we were out of luck for some 65 degree air blowing constantly in our rooms. I was in my bed, thinking about how hot it was when I closed my eyes and tried to go to bed. I was not successful. I can't sleep when my sheets are sticking to me, so I kicked them off the bed, hoping for relief. I even took my clothes off to try to cool down, but it wasn't successful, and I still couldn't sleep. I figured I would either knock myself out or think about a way to make me so exhausted I wouldn't be able to move. So I started thinking about my hot seventeen year old boyfriend, Roy.

Roy and I had known each other since we were five years old and had been friends ever since. Of course, because my dad was a little overprotective of me, we couldn't do anything, not even hug! (We felt each other up a few times, though, please don't tell my dad!) Anyway, years later, some weirdo named Zephiel thought it would be a great idea to bring the Dragons back onto Elibe, and so Roy had to go beat Zephiel up a few times before he died.

We stayed friends after that war (why wouldn't we?) and my hormones were being a bitch so I had these weird thoughts about him every so often. I never told him how much I loved him and wanted to marry him and get into his pants 'cause I knew my dad would probably strike him down with lightning so I kept quiet about the whole thing.

Anyway, as I thought about him, I began to feel all hot and bothered. I thought of his sexy red hair, his muscular chest, his sexy hips, and imagined what his "sword" looked like.  While I was thinking about that, my hands went to my breasts and I began to caress them.
"Oh Roy..." I moaned, relaxing. However, I was still hot, and I opened the window to get some fresh air into my room, all the while my one hand kept playing with my breast. I walked back over to my bed, felt the cold air wash over my body, and gasped.
"Oh, this feels so good! It reminds me of the time I went skinny dipping with Wendy!"
I jumped onto my bed and rubbed my breasts with both hands. I was getting mental images again.  I felt hornier than ever and began to imagine that Roy was the one doing this to me.
"Oh Roy..." My hand went lower and down to my wettening pussy. I imagined Roy stroking me and moaned loudly.
"Oh Roy...!"

But this story isn't about my fantasies about Roy, this story is about me getting eaten by a snake.

So, while I was playing with myself, a huge ass snake slithered into my room through the window, which is funny considering Ostia doesn't have any snakes, but whatever. I was too busy pretending my fingers were Roy's dick to notice a black, forty foot long snake slithering onto my bed. All of the sudden, I felt this pain begin at my ankles, then progress up to my knees. That was when I realised that, OMG, I was being eaten alive! And while masturbating, no less. But I couldn't stop, my hand was possessed! I thrust my fingers in and out faster, pretending it was Roy thrusting in and out of my moist cave.

The snake was devouring more and more of my body, and so I tried to punch the head, but it didn't work very well.
"Oh God!" I shouted as the snake's tongue went inside me. I slapped it hard, said it was rape, and ripped its tongue off. That didn't stop it from devouring my body, but it was worth a shot.
"Owwies!" I said as the snake's mouth bit into my stomach. "OW MY OVARIES. I knew I should've watched Snakes on a Plane! It might have come in handy!"
My arms were pinned to my body, my fingers still inside my moist cave. I screamed and shouted, but the snake glared at me.
"Motherfucking snakes!"

"ROY SAVE ME NOW!" I shouted as my breasts were being swallowed by that anaconda-esque snake. I knew Roy would hear it because I screamed pretty loud.
"I'm being eaten by a snake! GET ME OUT OF THIS MOTHERFUCKING SNAKE ON MY MOTHERFUCKING BED."
All of the sudden I felt the snake's muscles press against my hand and I started to jerk off--right in a snake! But I couldn't stop, and it felt too good, so I just let my hand do its own thing.

It all went dark.
"Hey, is that my pony? You ate Kenny! You bastard!" I shouted, kicking the snake for eating my pony named Kenny.
"Man is it dark in here. Anyone got a flashlight?"
All of the sudden I saw a bright light. I can't remember how, I can't remember why I was lying on my floor covered in snake guts, but I was. And Roy was standing over me, Fuuin no Tsurugi in hand, breathing heavily.
"Roy!" I said, flinging myself at him. He didn't mind the fact that I was covered in snake gore, and I didn't care that he was wearing his pajamas.
"You okay?" he asked, prying me off of him. Due to a random plot hole, I was suddenly all sparkly clean.
"Yeah, I'm okay. You saved me."

I slid my hands up his PJ shirt (which said, "Red heads are beasts in the sack") and caressed his silky skin.
"I love you, Roy," I whispered, licking his cheek.
"I love you, too, Lilina," he whispered back, and kissed me hungrily.

Oh, and Roy's shirt? It speaks of truth. TRUFAX.

Anyway, that's my story.

- - -

"Roy?"
"Huh?"
"...You really need to stop watching Lifetime movies."
"They're so bad, it's hard to not watch them!"
"...Go to sleep, Roy."
"All right, Lilina." Roy clicked the TV off with the remote.
"That movie was almost better than Snakes on a Plane. Almost."

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Comments {1}

your entitled savage bitch :D

(no subject)

from: sarajayechan
date: May. 21st, 2007 10:04 pm (UTC)
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*applauds* THE COMM, IT LIVES!

"Hey, is that my pony? You ate Kenny! You bastard!" I shouted, kicking the snake for eating my pony named Kenny.

*sporfle* Now that was random!

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